Skelly Bois: What Can We Learn From Fossils?

Q: What do fossils always teach us?

A: They only guarantee one bit of information for us: the fact that the animal died. Basically, we can’t guarantee that they reproduced or that they grew to adulthood or that they were even around other creatures. My main focus today is going to be on dinosaurs, mostly because I really like dinosaurs.

Now tell me, what do you know about dinosaurs? Like besides the stuff that you’ve been told in kid’s books, what have you observed about dinosaurs for you eyes? Nothing right? Exactly. Here’s what I think: we’re once again being lied to. There has to be some crazy messed up stuff about dinosaurs that no one is telling us. Just recently, scientists just suddenly decided that it’s possible that some dinosaurs might have feathers on them instead of being all full of scaly skin. This is obviously much less cool than the idea of the Tyrannosaurus Rex being a scary and scaly dinosaur that will bite your head off. Now all of a sudden scientists are trying to take away the vision of a dope dinosaur that we’ve always had and they’re trying to make it like a small bird. Does that seem right?

No, it doesn’t. Clearly not. So I’m here today to present a new theory. A theory that’s often been treated as a joke but since we as intelligent beings are questioning everything we should be able to look at this with an open mind. So here I present to you, the “Lad Dinosaur.”

Related image

As shown in this picture, there is no way to tell if dinosaurs looked like absolute units with dope hairdos, since hair can’t be preserved in fossils. Based on this, we have no idea if dinosaurs had amazing haircuts with waves or if they had mullets or ANYTHING. They could have been fashion artists for all we know. Thank you for your time, and make sure you tell people about what you’ve heard here, we may need to spill the beans if you know what I mean.


Bon Jovi’s Living on a Pancake: The Flat Earth Theory

Recently I’ve been tasked with taking down one of the most infamous conspiracy theories of all time, the Flat Earth Theory. This idea has been around probably since the beginning of time, and was only starting to be disputed since around the time of Pythagoras in the 6th century BC, although the spherical Earth idea didn’t really take hold until around the time of Socrates or Aristotle, the latter being one of the first (or quite possibly the first) person to provide evidence of the spherical Earth. Although many people will say that Christopher Columbus had to deal with opposition because they believed the Earth was flat, most Middle Age scholars agreed that the Earth was spherical.

Now that I’ve given you a brief history of the idea of the Earth being flat (which might have been a little dry but I love history so deal with it), it’s time for me to tackle the beliefs. Why on our beautiful Earth do people believe that it’s flat?

  1. Some people quote the Bible saying that it says that the Earth is flat. However, all of the passages that these people read are symbolic or poetic in nature and are not a literal representation. Common passages quoted include: Revelation 7:1, Isaiah 11:12, and Daniel 4:11. There are some texts that people use to agree with the first two references, but they say the same thing in the same context.
  2. Some people say that we should use a small globe we see in schools to navigate if the earth is really spherical. However, that’s not really a good argument, it’s a seemingly logical thought, but it’s still silly. Paper can obviously curve around a ball.

And there are many more arguments that they use but every argument that they bring up is almost instantly trolled on social media (thank you Elon Musk). It’s hilarious to see, and it’s hilarious to see the Flat Earthers set themselves up for failure every single time.

Now here’s the deal, as always, I’m going to state my stance on this topic. Obviously, the Earth is not flat. The idea of it being flat is so stupid! This is almost as bad as that Alex Jone’s thing about “turning the friggin’ frogs gay!” Clearly, it’s a big cube. I’ve played enough Minecraft to know what the world looks like and no one can convince me otherwise (except Elon Musk, so if he ever reads this, he better convince me quick before I school him in Minecraft). If you’ve ever played Minecraft, you know what’s up.

(Disclaimer: I don’t actually dispute Elon Musk I just need to make myself smile while I’m writing:D thanks for reading)

Rulers of the Free World?

Now I know what you’re thinking, isn’t the title kind of contradictory? Maybe, but that’s the point I’m trying to make today. Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that there are people who believe that the ‘Freemasons’ are the rulers of this world, that they’re in control of the things that happen and are secretly working some kind of master plan to take over.

You see folks, this is exactly the kind of thing that I deal with, as is my specialty. Sometimes, people pick out the innocent person in the crowd and wrongly accuse them of these kinds of things. Case in point, Green Mile. Case number 2 in point, O.J. Simpson (but that’s a whole different topic that I won’t go into). Basically, if there’s even a sliver of doubt, people will jump to conclusions, because that’s what they do.

Now, as always, it’s time for my opinion. In other words, it’s time for me to tear down a differing opinion with facts (or at least, my facts).

Fact: the Freemasons are not rulers of this world. End of story. However, I know that there are people who seek proof, so it’s proof that I will give them.

Fact: things don’t always work conveniently for me, so if the Masons were in control of things, then you would think that they would cut me some slack for all the bad things that have happened.

Fact: if the Masons were plotting something, don’t you think they would have done something by now? Have you seen the state of our world?

So basically folks, don’t go listening to all of these crazy stories, because you haven’t yet been equipped with all of the facts. This should be enough ammunition for your debating gun, so don’t go to the battle for our minds unarmed. Besides, if anyone was trying to take over the world, it would be the Illuminati.

(Disclaimer: most of the things I wrote here are a joke, it’s a late April Fool’s joke, but I did it. Thanks for reading this :D)

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3: Discovering Our Planet

Everyone’s seen at least one of the Journey to the Center of the Earth movies, right? I know I personally used to idolize those movies. I used to pretend like I was going to go to the center of the Earth all the time when I was young. I truly believed that it was real and that’s what happens when you go to the center of the Earth.

However, I was later on told that those things didn’t happen and I was told that these things didn’t exist in the center of the Earth. From then on, I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that these things existed, but I always wondered. Even to this day, I wonder if there’s something more underneath Earth’s crust. The twist? There are people who do wholeheartedly believe there is more under the ground we walk on.

What is it that these people believe? It’s simple, really. They believe there are many different civilizations and creatures that are buried underneath the crust of the Earth. If you ask some people, they’ll tell you there are tribes of people or dinosaurs. Others will could tell you that there are aliens or other mysterious creatures underneath us.

Now I’m sure many of you are asking, what are your thoughts about this matter Jason? Well, in short, I am taking a slightly different stance on the matter. What do I believe? I believe that the people who believe this ARE from under the crust of the Earth, and they present this theory in an outlandish way so that they don’t blow their cover. They are secretly planning to launch their attack on the outer world, and claim the land they believe is rightfully theirs. So once again I urge you, actually, I BEG you to tell everyone you know about this, and be wary of anyone who tells you there are civilizations and creatures under the ground we walk on.

April Fools: Who Are the Real Fools?

Not too long ago April Fools Day was celebrated all around the world as is the age old tradition. It has been celebrated since sometime in the 1580s and has been a phenomenon ever since then. We see classic jokes such as the good ol’ slightly unscrewing the lid of a salt shaker at a restaurant joke, we see jump scares, we see all kinds of different pranks for the 24 hour day we call April Fools Day.

But what if we’ve all been fooled for centuries? What if this entire time we’ve been lied to about one of the traditions we as human beings hold so sacred? Or more accurately, what if we’ve all been the ones who are being pranked for this long? I’m here to propose a new theory that might take some of you by surprise, what if April Fools Day isn’t really on April 1st?

Image result for prank

Now let me explain, for years we’ve experienced several lies made by people in high authority (e.g. Government Officials), and so many Americans have been fooled or swindled by those who were supposed to protect us. We as Americans have learned about so many lies told, some examples are the infamous Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky Scandal, the Edward Snowden whistle blowing incident, and there are many more. So what if the April Fools Day craze is just another government plot to hide us from the truth?

Well everybody, I can’t be the only person considering this radical idea. It is our job as the American people to call the things our government does to “protect us” and keep them in check. So go ahead and tell someone, everyone you know. We all need to know about this and be wary of any plots that could threaten the public peace.